I decided to write this post because last night totally blew my mind. I feel like these are the types of experiences where you want to tell the whole world because they are just so clearly from Jesus, that it would be a shame not to spread the word of how good and gracious and mighty He is.
It’s been 3 months and 5 days since we lost our precious angel baby and there is not a day that goes by that I don’t think of her and where we would be in this process. How many weeks/months I would be. What the nursery would start to look like. And in the beginning of this- I never in a million years thought I would be at the place I am at right now. I was angry. Bitter. Isolated. I didn’t want to talk about it, see anyone pregnant, hear of anyone pregnant, basically hear the word “baby.” I completely withdrew myself from everyone and didn’t care. But the one person I pushed away the most- God. I literally can’t even type the things I thought about Him. Bad things. I was in a bad place and I truly thought I didn’t need Him. Why would I? I mean, He TOOK my baby away. Right?
Weeks went by and my attitude and my whole demeanor slowly got worse. It was a Tuesday afternoon and I happened to turn on a sermon that one of my oldest friends had preached. I have no idea why, but I just pulled my computer out and turned it on. He had lost his dad years prior and he spoke about how upset and bitter he was, until one day God spoke to him and said, “I didn’t take your dad.” Such POWERFUL words. He also said, “We live in a fallen world where bad things and sickness happens but the Bible says- IN HIM, we will have PEACE.” And that clicked with me. I’ve never truly known God’s love for me so of course I blamed my entire situation on Him. He was my target. Right then, I re-evaluated myself and I was worse off in that moment than I was the day it all happened. I had completely convinced myself God took my baby away from me. And the reason I thought that, is because I have never truly studied and realized the immense love He has for ME. Little ole’ me. All this time, I kept thinking “What did I do for this to happen? Did I not pray enough? Did I not thank him enough?” The enemy had completely creeped into my thoughts and actually convinced me that I had done something to make God mad for this to happen.
Well, let me just tell you where I’m at, and what I have learned in the past month. It doesn’t matter what in the world you have done, where you are at, where you’ve been, or even where you are going- God’s love for you will never change. It will never alter. Everyday, it will be the same. He doesn’t have moods, or bad days, or off days. And this is not because you are good, but because HE is good. Always has been and always will be. And the peace that covered me in the moment that I FINALLY realized this is something I can’t even explain. I feel like I’ve never known Him the way I do right now.
Jesus says, “You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.” Jeremiah 29:13.. I had to seek Him. I was as empty as you can get and had nowhere else to turn. And I’ve never felt a more tangible love from Him as I did in the moment that I surrendered my heart, my plans, my thoughts, my feelings, my emptiness to Him. It literally felt like I was crying into His chest and He was hugging me as tightly as He possibly could. My heart was healed instantly. I can finally be happy again and know that He has a PERFECT plan for me. For my family. I crave my time with Him everyday. I come home and worship Him on my knees, I read about Him, I read about his love for me. I crave his presence and can’t get enough of it.
So what happened last night that made me wake Blake up at midnight to tell Him? So you probably wonder where “waiting on Sadie” came from. I’d say this was probably 8 months ago, I woke up one morning and I knew in my heart that Sadie was the name we were to name our baby girl (one day). I talked to Blake about it and he loved it immediately. So we prayed for Sadie by name. Last night, I was lying in bed and just happened to google “what does the name Sadie mean..” Wait for it. Sadie- a Hebrew name meaning “princess” and derived from the Bible name Sarah, Sarah being the wife of Abraham and the first barren woman the Bible speaks of. The one that had to completely trust God with everything she had, despite taking things into her own hands at one point- she was shown grace and mercy and her promise was finally given to her. My heart literally felt like it could explode. Jesus has a specific plan for each us. It might not look like what we thought it would, but I promise we would choose His will EVERY TIME if we knew what it was. He is there waiting for you to seek Him with everything you’ve got. He was waiting on me. It might have taken heartache and a big bump in MY plans to see it- but the second I turned my back away from Him- He was there with arms wide open and He hasn’t gone anywhere.