jeremiah 29:13

I decided to write this post because last night totally blew my mind. I feel like these are the types of experiences where you want to tell the whole world because they are just so clearly from Jesus, that it would be a shame not to spread the word of how good and gracious and mighty He is.

It’s been 3 months and 5 days since we lost our precious angel baby and there is not a day that goes by that I don’t think of her and where we would be in this process. How many weeks/months I would be. What the nursery would start to look like. And in the beginning of this- I never in a million years thought I would be at the place I am at right now. I was angry. Bitter. Isolated. I didn’t want to talk about it, see anyone pregnant, hear of anyone pregnant, basically hear the word “baby.” I completely withdrew myself from everyone and didn’t care. But the one person I pushed away the most- God. I literally can’t even type the things I thought about Him. Bad things. I was in a bad place and I truly thought I didn’t need Him. Why would I? I mean, He TOOK my baby away. Right?

Weeks went by and my attitude and my whole demeanor slowly got worse. It was a Tuesday afternoon and I happened to turn on a sermon that one of my oldest friends had preached. I have no idea why, but I just pulled my computer out and turned it on. He had lost his dad years prior and he spoke about how upset and bitter he was, until one day God spoke to him and said, “I didn’t take your dad.” Such POWERFUL words. He also said, “We live in a fallen world where bad things and sickness happens but the Bible says- IN HIM, we will have PEACE.” And that clicked with me. I’ve never truly known God’s love for me so of course I blamed my entire situation on Him. He was my target. Right then, I re-evaluated myself and I was worse off in that moment than I was the day it all happened. I had completely convinced myself God took my baby away from me. And the reason I thought that, is because I have never truly studied and realized the immense love He has for ME. Little ole’ me. All this time, I kept thinking “What did I do for this to happen? Did I not pray enough? Did I not thank him enough?” The enemy had completely creeped into my thoughts and actually convinced me that I had done something to make God mad for this to happen.

Well, let me just tell you where I’m at, and what I have learned in the past month. It doesn’t matter what in the world you have done, where you are at, where you’ve been, or even where you are going- God’s love for you will never change. It will never alter. Everyday, it will be the same. He doesn’t have moods, or bad days, or off days. And this is not because you are good, but because HE is good. Always has been and always will be. And the peace that covered me in the moment that I FINALLY realized this is something I can’t even explain. I feel like I’ve never known Him the way I do right now.

Jesus says, “You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.” Jeremiah 29:13.. I had to seek Him. I was as empty as you can get and had nowhere else to turn. And I’ve never felt a more tangible love from Him as I did in the moment that I surrendered my heart, my plans, my thoughts, my feelings, my emptiness to Him. It literally felt like I was crying into His chest and He was hugging me as tightly as He possibly could. My heart was healed instantly. I can finally be happy again and know that He has a PERFECT plan for me. For my family. I crave my time with Him everyday. I come home and worship Him on my knees, I read about Him, I read about his love for me. I crave his presence and can’t get enough of it.

So what happened last night that made me wake Blake up at midnight to tell Him? So you probably wonder where “waiting on Sadie” came from. I’d say this was probably 8 months ago, I woke up one morning and I knew in my heart that Sadie was the name we were to name our baby girl (one day). I talked to Blake about it and he loved it immediately. So we prayed for Sadie by name. Last night, I was lying in bed and just happened to google “what does the name Sadie mean..” Wait for it. Sadie- a Hebrew name meaning “princess” and derived from the Bible name Sarah, Sarah being the wife of Abraham and the first barren woman the Bible speaks of. The one that had to completely trust God with everything she had, despite taking things into her own hands at one point- she was shown grace and mercy and her promise was finally given to her. My heart literally felt like it could explode. Jesus has a specific plan for each us. It might not look like what we thought it would, but I promise we would choose His will EVERY TIME if we knew what it was. He is there waiting for you to seek Him with everything you’ve got. He was waiting on me. It might have taken heartache and a big bump in MY plans to see it- but the second I turned my back away from Him- He was there with arms wide open and He hasn’t gone anywhere.

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psalm 116

The Lord is gracious and righteous;
    our God is full of compassion.
The Lord protects the unwary;
    when I was brought low, he saved me.

Return to your rest, my soul,
    for the Lord has been good to you

For you, Lord, have delivered me from death,
    my eyes from tears,
    my feet from stumbling,
that I may walk before the Lord
    in the land of the living.

 

This verse. It has rocked me over and over. Every time I read it, it literally brings me to tears. I hate to admit it, but I never truly felt like I had to rely on God while I was growing up. I knew He was always there, but anything I ever went through, I felt always ended up working itself out and falling into place. Of course anytime I was struggling, I would turn to Him and find some sort of peace and as soon as it seemed to be ok, I would return to my old ways. I never completely submitted to Him.

Without going into detail, this season in my life has been the most challenging, but has honestly been the best year yet. I married my bestfriend, we built a beautiful home, filled it with love (and a crazy puppy) and have started our lives on the journey to forever. I thought we had it all. We got into our routine and were filled with working days, busy nights, and weekends that flew by. It was everything I had ever dreamed about! But it was missing something. A baby. Something that I literally have dreamed about since I even knew what babies were! I think growing up with such a young mom, I longed to be just like her. It was a burning desire in my heart that I felt like wouldn’t feel content until I had one. We started trying and as months went by, nothing happened. I was surrounded by people getting pregnant and baby showers and baby announcements which made my situation feel like it was magnified times 100. I started googling and reading about women and their journeys through trying to conceive and it only made it worse. It was planting these fear filled seeds in my head and constantly allowing it to overtake my mind. I would cry almost everyday and wonder, “Why not me, God?!”

I have the most amazing people in my life. They are constantly encouraging me and allowing me to spill my guts about what I don’t have, and what would make my life complete if it would just happen. I truly do not know what I would do without my friends. But after having a come to Jesus one night, I realized what was truly missing. Not a baby. It’s Jesus himself. “But.. I pray every night.. and I listen to worship every now and then.. and I read a few verses from the Bible weekly. Why would I be missing Him? I have Him, right?” Wrong. Jesus doesn’t want 5 minutes of our time here and there. He doesn’t want us just when we feel like He is the last resort. He wants our HEART. He wants our DESIRES. He wants us to long for Him like I long for a baby.  Like we long for the perfect husband, or the perfect wife, or the perfect home or perfect job. We get caught up in this materialistic world and we see how “perfect” our friends lives are on Facebook, and seeing what we don’t have and we start to compare. I was there. I was stuck in this negative mood because I kept wondering why God would give someone else something I had been longing for. I felt like I was slowly building resentment towards Him. And then a friend of mine sent me this. Psalm 116; our God is FULL of COMPASSION.

Compassion- to love, to show mercy, to be tenderhearted, to be loved by

Our God, the maker of the UNIVERSE, feels MY pain. Feels MY hurt. He isn’t sitting there not giving me this just to prove a point. He is longing for ME to love Him. To trust Him. To give Him my life so he can show me what He can do. Impossible things, things that I have made myself believe would never happen.

This is my journey of falling in love with Jesus. I hope I can touch at least one person who my story relates to. After all, isn’t that what we are placed here on earth for anyway?