psalm 116

The Lord is gracious and righteous;
    our God is full of compassion.
⁶ The Lord protects the unwary;
    when I was brought low, he saved me.

⁷ Return to your rest, my soul,
    for the Lord has been good to you

⁸ For you, Lord, have delivered me from death,
    my eyes from tears,
    my feet from stumbling,
⁹ that I may walk before the Lord
    in the land of the living.

 

This verse. It has rocked me over and over. Every time I read it, it literally brings me to tears. I hate to admit it, but I never truly felt like I had to rely on God while I was growing up. I knew He was always there, but anything I ever went through, I felt always ended up working itself out and falling into place. Of course anytime I was struggling, I would turn to Him and find some sort of peace and as soon as it seemed to be ok, I would return to my old ways. I never completely submitted to Him.

Without going into detail, this season in my life has been the most challenging, but has honestly been the best year yet. I married my bestfriend, we built a beautiful home, filled it with love (and a crazy puppy) and have started our lives on the journey to forever. I thought we had it all. We got into our routine and were filled with working days, busy nights, and weekends that flew by. It was everything I had ever dreamed about! But it was missing something. A baby. Something that I literally have dreamed about since I even knew what babies were! I think growing up with such a young mom, I longed to be just like her. It was a burning desire in my heart that I felt like wouldn’t feel content until I had one. We started trying and as months went by, nothing happened. I was surrounded by people getting pregnant and baby showers and baby announcements which made my situation feel like it was magnified times 100. I started googling and reading about women and their journeys through trying to conceive and it only made it worse. It was planting these fear filled seeds in my head and constantly allowing it to overtake my mind. I would cry almost everyday and wonder, “Why not me, God?!”

I have the most amazing people in my life. They are constantly encouraging me and allowing me to spill my guts about what I don’t have, and what would make my life complete if it would just happen. I truly do not know what I would do without my friends. But after having a come to Jesus one night, I realized what was truly missing. Not a baby. It’s Jesus himself. “But.. I pray every night.. and I listen to worship every now and then.. and I read a few verses from the Bible weekly. Why would I be missing Him? I have Him, right?” Wrong. Jesus doesn’t want 5 minutes of our time here and there. He doesn’t want us just when we feel like He is the last resort. He wants our HEART. He wants our DESIRES. He wants us to long for Him like I long for a baby.  Like we long for the perfect husband, or the perfect wife, or the perfect home or perfect job. We get caught up in this materialistic world and we see how “perfect” our friends lives are on Facebook, and seeing what we don’t have and we start to compare. I was there. I was stuck in this negative mood because I kept wondering why God would give someone else something I had been longing for. I felt like I was slowly building resentment towards Him. And then a friend of mine sent me this. Psalm 116; our God is FULL of COMPASSION.

Compassion- to love, to show mercy, to be tenderhearted, to be loved by

Our God, the maker of the UNIVERSE, feels MY pain. Feels MY hurt. He isn’t sitting there not giving me this just to prove a point. He is longing for ME to love Him. To trust Him. To give Him my life so he can show me what He can do. Impossible things, things that I have made myself believe would never happen.

This is my journey of falling in love with Jesus. I hope I can touch at least one person who my story relates to. After all, isn’t that what we are placed here on earth for anyway?